psychoshenanigans | 13th Cycle // Continued Thread

[Lying there on his back, (because lying on his side would hurt, with a brutal bruise on one shoulder and claw-marks on his opposite hip,) staring at the underside of the bunk above him and unable to get away as Vincent begins to gradually unspool an apology, a sick, weird weight begins to settle in the center of his chest. Unable to even cover his face to hide from it, the feeling gradually crushes him until his lungs feel flat and lifeless. It's a familiar feeling, but too old to put a name to.

He sounds like some of the life has drained from him by the time he answers, once he's sure that Vincent has rambled to a stop. His voice is just as flat and lifeless as he feels.]

It happens.

[His heart sinks a little, hearing that flat answer. He's immediately sure that he's just making everything worse. He wants to respond immediately, say that it shouldn't happen if he doesn't want it, or even just... Admitting he had a nice time, to try to look on the bright side, but... He holds his tongue and lays there in his bunk with his eyes closed, with a broken nose and a headache and stupid glass of water on his head.

There's just... Too much to handle. And he still doesn't know how Irahl feels. He finally gives up, realizing he probably just needs to shut up and figure out how he feels about everything himself before trying to make amends.]

Okay. I'll shut up an' let you rest.

[He moves his cup back down to the ground. Maybe he'll try to get some rest himself, not that he really feels like sleeping right now either.]

[It's for the best.

They should both rest and deal with this after the dust has settled. That has always been the way to go, for Irahl, if leaving before the dust has settled isn't an option.

The relief of them both being allowed to rest begins to change fairly quickly, however. While he lays there wondering if Vincent will be able to sleep, the feeling shifts toward quietly and desperately hoping that he does, because that sunken feeling in Irahl's chest gets worse almost as soon as the silence settles.

A few minutes in, and the feeling of internal collapse becomes the feeling of compression. It's like he's slowly caving in until there isn't enough room for his heart and lungs to fit and fill properly. He doesn't need a lot of air, but there in the stillness of the room, he feels like he's running out of it anyway.

Whether or not Vincent has miraculously fallen asleep by that point, Irahl eventually levers himself up as unobtrusively as he can until he's sitting on the edge of the bed.

He should go somewhere. He wants to go somewhere. But his head is pounding and his chest is tight and he's basically in his underwear and there's nowhere to go anyway.

So, he props whatever part of his face hurts the least down on the heel of his hand, sits there, and just breathes for a minute.]

[Of course Vincent hasn't fallen asleep. Breathing feels like a chore. His head is still swimming with half-remembered sounds and sensations, and he's trying, with very little success, to pick apart any of it without getting emotional. He shouldn't be thinking about it at all, but his frazzled mind is trying to overcompensate for how devastatingly uncertain everything feels.

When he hears Irahl getting up, he doesn't really move... But he's immediately alert, listening intently. His guilt and unease are momentarily silenced as he tries to hear if something is wrong. Or if whatever's happening is starting to get worse.]

[Irahl isn't typically one for hyperventilation, but for someone with good enough hearing, his breath at least has the careful, overly-measured sound of someone who is focusing very hard on keeping it even.

He would love to be able to walk this off or at least curl up into his usual disassociating stance, but this is as far as he can withdraw. He just has to wrestle himself into calming down right here--mostly out in the open, with another person in the room.]

[Yeah... It's not getting better. For just a moment, he tries to think through if his presence would make things worse, but he's never been good at thinking. He's compelled to help, one of the few instincts he's never been able to ignore, no matter how bad of an idea it may or may not be.]

Irahl, hey...

[Lucky for the other guy, Vincent's approach will be slow as he has to gingerly lift himself up out of the bunk. Once he's up, he grabs the blanket that he's still stubbornly keeping at the end of his bed, crosses their little room, and goes to drape the thing gently over Irahl's shoulders.]

[It's both kind of Vincent and startling when he says Irahl's name, warning him of the approach. Irahl doesn't glance up, not moving an inch from his carefully-maintained state of face down on one hand, but his attention is at least brought over to the sound of Vincent heading his way. He can only spare part of his focus to wonder what he's planning, so he's surprised again when a blanket settles gently around his shoulders.

Irahl doesn't react well (or at all) to most offers of help. This one, however, at least gets one tense sigh in amongst all of the other strictly-ordered breathing. He is desperately relieved to have one thin piece of armor added onto his sorry state.

Despite his embarrassment for being caught like this (again?), he'd like to thank him. Can't quite manage it yet.]

[Well, a lot like the last time, hearing a sigh is a lot better than being punched. Vincent will take that as a good sign.

He kneels down at the edge of the bed (with a grimace, but he gets there), trying his best to be unobtrusive. He doesn't have the power to dampen his presence like Irahl does, but he has a soft voice and a calm demeanor, and sometimes that works just as well.]

Hey, bud. How can I help...? [Irahl had shared that little music player with him when he was freaking out. Come to think of it, Vincent doesn't remember hearing him put those in like he normally does. Realizing this, he asks:] ...Where's your music thing? Is it with your other stuff?

[Irahl would love to tell Vincent that it's okay, he's got this, forget about it--anything. This is his struggle in response to Vincent's first question, until it is suddenly followed up with Vincent then giving him something extremely easy to answer and that he desperately wants.

It doesn't keep him from hating himself any less for it, however.]

--The box.

The box...

[Okay, that's probably... The box of stuff from the station. Maybe it's in the kitchen, or maybe it hasn't even left the back of Irahl's shuttle--but it's a concrete goal that he thinks he can handle.]

Got it. I'll get it. You sit tight for a few, okay?

[Not that Irahl seems like he could really get anywhere in a hurry. Vincent gives his arm a gentle touch (afraid to pat him in case he's secretly got a big bruise there), then stands back up to go search for that missing music player. He'll leave Irahl with a little time to himself, for better or for worse.]

[Yeah, Irahl gets both better and worse while Vincent is away. It's both.

On one hand, it's a relief to have room to be a little bit less okay, so he's better able to grapple with the strangling feeling wrapped around his chest. On the other hand, however, Vincent continuing to be bafflingly patient and kind makes the sucker-punch feeling in his chest get worse. The touch on his arm especially sinks him, right now.

Outwardly, Irahl doesn't to seem to have changed much by the time that Vincent returns. A little calmer, maybe.]

[Thankfully, Vincent checks the closest sensible location first. It doesn't take him that long to find the box of snacks left out on the galley table, and searching through that reveals the music player and accompanying headphones without a problem.

He returns, doesn't hear any immediate difference with Irahl, and judges that it's probably safe to come over and offer up the guy's music player. And once it's delivered, he automatically goes to have a seat (slowly, again) at the end of the other's bed, as if that's just a normal place to sit in these kinds of situations.

He'll give him a moment, see how this goes.]

[Irahl has always been as unobtrusive or as unnoticed as possible when having a bad time, so he goes through the ritual of starting up his music without a problem, and takes a minute to himself while giving little outward sign that there's still something wrong. His breathing isn't quite so tense, and he seems downright calm compared to trying to claw out his own augment.

Inside is a mess, however. He hates that he can tell he's glad that Vincent doesn't walk back to his own side of the room, when he should be wanting nothing but for the other man to get as far away from him as possible, right now.

It's bad enough in there that--by the time enough music shocks into his head that he's able to calm down another couple steps--he makes the realization that he really needs to say something. He's actually at a level of not-okay that he can't ignore, and this results in one of those dizzying looks at himself and his whole situation that he spends so much time and energy avoiding.

Eventually, he sighs in defeat, and shifts in a sort of off-kilter way--uncomfortably shrugging one shoulder forward.]

Do you... ever feel like this place isn't real, sometimes?

[Vincent waits, patiently. He actually lays down, at a point, with his feet planted firmly on the floor, because sitting up is way too uncomfortable an experience right now.

He's a little surprised to hear a question, but he's grateful to hear Irahl trying to voice anything. It's not a hard question for Vincent to answer.]

Yeah, sometimes. Hard to believe it ain't a dream, every now an' again.

[Irahl fully realizes that he has picked a wild place to start any sort of conversation from, but he's glad that Vincent at least answers mostly in the affirmative. It gives him a place to start. He might have dropped the attempt completely if Vincent had said no.

Like other things that are difficult or complicated for Irahl to put into words, it takes him a minute, slowly and awkwardly picking his way through the thought on the fly. At least he has been preemptively reassured that the man he's trying to talk to is incredibly patient.]

Yeah. It's been... uh. Hard to keep in mind. That it's real.

[He moves his shoulder in an antsy way again, like his skin is uncomfortable.]

Sounds weird, but normally I have... There's this sense. All the time. But I don't really have it out here.

[And he pauses there, not because he's expecting a response or because his thought is finished, but he's hearing the words as they're leaving his mouth and is despairing, as they're making even less sense out loud than they had in his head.]

[The mood of this is actually very familiar to Vincent, reminding him strikingly of strange, faltering conversations he would have with his smarter half. There was always a level of inherent vulnerability to them--and it's present here as well, he assumes--just in the fact that they let him listen to their struggling to describe something that they feel is important. Genuine vulnerability is something that he really values, and so he has the utmost respect and patience for it here, just the same as he did back home.

Besides, it's not so hard to understand. He hesitates to answer, but it's not because he's confused. If anything, he sounds... Amazed?]

No, I... I get it, I've got one too, normally. It's been gone since I got here...

[Maybe it hasn't fully sunk in for Vincent yet, the fact that they're both monsters, and that they've probably had a lot of the same life experiences.]

Edited (this is the extra space police, open up!) 2023-12-06 05:16 (UTC)

[It also hadn't dawned on Irahl that Vincent might understand him on something like this, if only because the few times he had confided in other creatures like himself, they hadn't seemed to be able to relate. He'd always thought this was a him thing. And even if whatever Vincent is talking about isn't exactly the same, it's still close enough to what's going on with him now to count for something.

Irahl also sounds tentative then, but it's a mix of confusion and wary amazement. Like he's hesitant to believe Vincent's response.]

Really? ...It's a feeling that's like...

[First, he pauses because he starts to lift his hand to gesture in an effort to explain, before remembering that Vincent can't see. Then, the pause becomes him opting not to try describe it with words either, in the event that he'll immediately run into more ways that they're different than they are the same, and he doesn't want that right now.]

...I'm used to it always being there. So without it, it's like. Floating. Or dreaming.

[Vincent isn't completely sure if Irahl gives up trying to explain, or if what he eventually ends up saying is his description of the feeling, but it doesn't matter to him much either way. He nods--though he quickly stops, because his head and his neck still both hurt.]

Yeah, same. That's... Exactly what it's been like.

["Floating" is a good way to put it. He would extrapolate, but as... Exciting as this is, he also doesn't want to steamroll past whatever Irahl may or may not be trying to say with all this.]

[For Irahl, the effect is like floating in that his internal compass has been sent spinning a little, but it has been even more like dreaming, because that's the only thing that a lack of constant discomfort is like to him.

And now, with the space given to continue his original thought, Irahl can feel some of that constricting anxiety beginning to tighten again, despite Vincent seemingly being on the same page. So, he pushes himself forward before he can think himself into a worse state, and it's one of the first times that his anxiety begins to color his tone since he'd arrived here.]

I guess... I've been waiting to wake up. Not focusing.

[Which, honestly, isn't all that different from how he is on a normal day back home. But there's an important difference in the consequences department, here. There's a beat where he quietly psyches himself up a little, before haltingly arriving at his original point.]

Think that's why I got crazy, earlier... Like it wasn't real. Wasn't thinking.

[Vincent listens to the way that Irahl shifts and the anxiety that creeps into his voice. He has been so sure that whatever happened between them earlier was his own fault, and he doesn't realize that he's bracing to hear an explanation of why it fucked the other guy up so bad.

So when he hears... Something closer to an apology, he's surprised.]

Oh...

[He doesn't want to leave the other guy hanging in an awkward silence, but he has to think for a moment. Finally factoring in that Irahl has been feeling... Guilty about... How things went?]

No, you... I was the one being crazy. I should be saying that to you...

[So, neither of them would deny that Vincent had gotten crazy, beginning from the moment he'd jumped up at the word "fight." But everything Vincent had done had seemed to make so much sense at the time, it had been a seamless transition from casual sparring to brutal, gleeful aggression that just seemed to fit the other man. Irahl had seen glimpses of it before; he himself had been the one to make the suggestion after seeing his friend's hands begin to turn into claws. To him, nothing that could be pinned on Vincent had come as a surprise.

The whole thing had been Irahl's idea in the first place, (even if he'd originally meant to fight later,) and almost every escalation had been his fault.

So, he repeats his vague statement from before, with a little bit of elaboration.]

It happens. You were just playing along.

I... Wasn't...

[This admission leaves his mouth before he can think better of it, and he... Well, he immediately looks a little sheepish about having said it out-loud. He brings a hand up automatically to try and hide the lower half of his face, which may have started turning a color had it not been so many weird and bruised-looking colors already.]

I wasn't. I could have stopped. But I was... Having a good time...

[...A good time beating the shit out of his friend and then pouncing on him to do some other questionable things, which is weird and bad. And he'd thought that Irahl had been the one just "playing along" with what he was doing...]

[They'd both been having a good time, which had been pretty clear as it'd been happening, but there's something about hearing Vincent say it that makes Irahl feel like something is twisting around in his chest. Hungover nausea plus nerves, he's sure. Still, he glances sidelong at Vincent, knowing that he can't catch the look.]

I don't normally--

[But, he balks at trying to put words to any part of it, bails on the explanation, and circles back to his original point.]

If I'd been thinking, wouldn't have started in the first place. So... you're good.

[Vincent starts to protest, but he stops before he's gotten more than a word out. He's not always the brightest bulb in the lamp, and emotions make everything inherently more difficult to suss out, but he has just enough awareness to realize that they're batting these nebulous apologies and assurances back and forth without either of them actually feeling more assured. Because they're both missing the point.]

Hang on...

[He runs through everything Irahl has been saying, really thinks about it. And when he thinks he's finally got a better idea of what's actually going on in there, he rolls onto his side to face Irahl properly, propping himself up on his forearm.]

You... Don't gotta feel bad, man. This got weird, yeah, but I'm not upset with you or anything.

[Hearing Vincent move around a little automatically pulls Irahl's attention over, watching the man's poor, busted face for a minute.

He doesn't know what to say, at first. Hearing that Vincent isn't upset--and it at least looking like it's true--somehow doesn't make him feel a whole lot better. It's a relief, of course, but that's apparently not all there is to it. Even if Vincent isn't precisely upset, there are other things he could be, or there could be damage to their relationship that will show up later... even things just being different could be bad... and then there's the internal whiplash he'll be feeling every time he thinks about some of the things that happened...

So, after a minute of thinking, one small part of Vincent's response stands out.]

...I didn't want it to get weird.

13th Cycle // Continued Thread

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