psychoshenanigans | 13th Cycle // Continued Thread

[The mood of this is actually very familiar to Vincent, reminding him strikingly of strange, faltering conversations he would have with his smarter half. There was always a level of inherent vulnerability to them--and it's present here as well, he assumes--just in the fact that they let him listen to their struggling to describe something that they feel is important. Genuine vulnerability is something that he really values, and so he has the utmost respect and patience for it here, just the same as he did back home.

Besides, it's not so hard to understand. He hesitates to answer, but it's not because he's confused. If anything, he sounds... Amazed?]

No, I... I get it, I've got one too, normally. It's been gone since I got here...

[Maybe it hasn't fully sunk in for Vincent yet, the fact that they're both monsters, and that they've probably had a lot of the same life experiences.]

Edited (this is the extra space police, open up!) 2023-12-06 05:16 (UTC)

[It also hadn't dawned on Irahl that Vincent might understand him on something like this, if only because the few times he had confided in other creatures like himself, they hadn't seemed to be able to relate. He'd always thought this was a him thing. And even if whatever Vincent is talking about isn't exactly the same, it's still close enough to what's going on with him now to count for something.

Irahl also sounds tentative then, but it's a mix of confusion and wary amazement. Like he's hesitant to believe Vincent's response.]

Really? ...It's a feeling that's like...

[First, he pauses because he starts to lift his hand to gesture in an effort to explain, before remembering that Vincent can't see. Then, the pause becomes him opting not to try describe it with words either, in the event that he'll immediately run into more ways that they're different than they are the same, and he doesn't want that right now.]

...I'm used to it always being there. So without it, it's like. Floating. Or dreaming.

[Vincent isn't completely sure if Irahl gives up trying to explain, or if what he eventually ends up saying is his description of the feeling, but it doesn't matter to him much either way. He nods--though he quickly stops, because his head and his neck still both hurt.]

Yeah, same. That's... Exactly what it's been like.

["Floating" is a good way to put it. He would extrapolate, but as... Exciting as this is, he also doesn't want to steamroll past whatever Irahl may or may not be trying to say with all this.]

[For Irahl, the effect is like floating in that his internal compass has been sent spinning a little, but it has been even more like dreaming, because that's the only thing that a lack of constant discomfort is like to him.

And now, with the space given to continue his original thought, Irahl can feel some of that constricting anxiety beginning to tighten again, despite Vincent seemingly being on the same page. So, he pushes himself forward before he can think himself into a worse state, and it's one of the first times that his anxiety begins to color his tone since he'd arrived here.]

I guess... I've been waiting to wake up. Not focusing.

[Which, honestly, isn't all that different from how he is on a normal day back home. But there's an important difference in the consequences department, here. There's a beat where he quietly psyches himself up a little, before haltingly arriving at his original point.]

Think that's why I got crazy, earlier... Like it wasn't real. Wasn't thinking.

[Vincent listens to the way that Irahl shifts and the anxiety that creeps into his voice. He has been so sure that whatever happened between them earlier was his own fault, and he doesn't realize that he's bracing to hear an explanation of why it fucked the other guy up so bad.

So when he hears... Something closer to an apology, he's surprised.]

Oh...

[He doesn't want to leave the other guy hanging in an awkward silence, but he has to think for a moment. Finally factoring in that Irahl has been feeling... Guilty about... How things went?]

No, you... I was the one being crazy. I should be saying that to you...

[So, neither of them would deny that Vincent had gotten crazy, beginning from the moment he'd jumped up at the word "fight." But everything Vincent had done had seemed to make so much sense at the time, it had been a seamless transition from casual sparring to brutal, gleeful aggression that just seemed to fit the other man. Irahl had seen glimpses of it before; he himself had been the one to make the suggestion after seeing his friend's hands begin to turn into claws. To him, nothing that could be pinned on Vincent had come as a surprise.

The whole thing had been Irahl's idea in the first place, (even if he'd originally meant to fight later,) and almost every escalation had been his fault.

So, he repeats his vague statement from before, with a little bit of elaboration.]

It happens. You were just playing along.

I... Wasn't...

[This admission leaves his mouth before he can think better of it, and he... Well, he immediately looks a little sheepish about having said it out-loud. He brings a hand up automatically to try and hide the lower half of his face, which may have started turning a color had it not been so many weird and bruised-looking colors already.]

I wasn't. I could have stopped. But I was... Having a good time...

[...A good time beating the shit out of his friend and then pouncing on him to do some other questionable things, which is weird and bad. And he'd thought that Irahl had been the one just "playing along" with what he was doing...]

[They'd both been having a good time, which had been pretty clear as it'd been happening, but there's something about hearing Vincent say it that makes Irahl feel like something is twisting around in his chest. Hungover nausea plus nerves, he's sure. Still, he glances sidelong at Vincent, knowing that he can't catch the look.]

I don't normally--

[But, he balks at trying to put words to any part of it, bails on the explanation, and circles back to his original point.]

If I'd been thinking, wouldn't have started in the first place. So... you're good.

[Vincent starts to protest, but he stops before he's gotten more than a word out. He's not always the brightest bulb in the lamp, and emotions make everything inherently more difficult to suss out, but he has just enough awareness to realize that they're batting these nebulous apologies and assurances back and forth without either of them actually feeling more assured. Because they're both missing the point.]

Hang on...

[He runs through everything Irahl has been saying, really thinks about it. And when he thinks he's finally got a better idea of what's actually going on in there, he rolls onto his side to face Irahl properly, propping himself up on his forearm.]

You... Don't gotta feel bad, man. This got weird, yeah, but I'm not upset with you or anything.

[Hearing Vincent move around a little automatically pulls Irahl's attention over, watching the man's poor, busted face for a minute.

He doesn't know what to say, at first. Hearing that Vincent isn't upset--and it at least looking like it's true--somehow doesn't make him feel a whole lot better. It's a relief, of course, but that's apparently not all there is to it. Even if Vincent isn't precisely upset, there are other things he could be, or there could be damage to their relationship that will show up later... even things just being different could be bad... and then there's the internal whiplash he'll be feeling every time he thinks about some of the things that happened...

So, after a minute of thinking, one small part of Vincent's response stands out.]

...I didn't want it to get weird.

[And that’s such a straightforward, understandable, clear-cut sentiment compared to their earlier attempts to explain themselves that Vincent nearly looks relieved. He feels the same way, of course, and immediately sympathizes with Irahl, but… He can do something with this.]

I get it. I don’t want that either.

[And they can’t exactly walk this one back. Vincent can’t forget the experience any better than Irahl can. He knows that.]

But we’re in a crazy place where weird shit is bound to happen. You’re still my friend, I ain’t about to let it change that.

[He reaches out to touch the other man’s arm again, to underline his point.]

We can figure things out until it don’t feel weird anymore, alright? I’m on board. You ain’t ruined nothing.

[The vertigo of everything Vincent is saying makes his hungover stomach curl in on itself. Something in his chest still feels like it's caving in, but not in a strangling way this time. Instead, a breath of relief sighs out of him after not realizing he'd been holding onto it.

There's a lot there--so much so that Irahl can feel his brain immediately shut it away somewhere to be looked at later. When it's quiet and calm, and he's trying to rest, that's when it will cycle through his brain again.

For now, all he can do is try for simple acceptance. That's hard enough. It takes him a minute before he manages a small nod.]

Okay.

[He ends up dropping his arm after a little bit, because it still hurts a lot to keep it upright. Leaning on his other arm is already a challenge.]

Okay.

[And with that seemingly... Settled, he collapses back to where he had been moments before, laying on his back with his legs extended. He presses the palm of his hand (which has several bandages on it) against his forehead. A weak smile on his face. He's still confused and embarrassed, but his heart doesn't feel quite so heavy now.]

Assumin' you wanna talk to me still, an' all that. 'Cause I was pretty sure I'd fucked up bad with this one...

[This both explains his earlier mood, and, you know, gives Irahl a last chance to tell him off for being a fucking weirdo. It's a little hard for him to believe he's still not being blamed for something.]

[The combination of embarrassment and relief is hitting Irahl too, and the combination is nauseating. He's looking forward to hopefully being able to fully calm down again soon, because he has a lot to sleep off.

For now, the deliriousness he's feeling in the wake of all this has him reaching out to rest a hand in the center of Vincent's chest briefly, before he even thinks about it. Very rarely does he ever feel the compulsion to touch another person for any nonviolent reason, but the want to reassure is still pretty strong, so it just kind of happens when finding words turns out to be too hard.

It's only after he takes his hand back that he thinks of something to say.]

Still better than my last roommate.

[It's good that Vincent is so beat-up, otherwise he would have instinctually thought he was being handed something and tried to grab Irahl's hand. Might have ruined what he belatedly realizes is simply a kind gesture. It's heartwarming.

On the heels of that, the bit about a roommate makes him laugh a little - which, again, kind of rolls into a wheezing cough that he tries to smother as quickly as he can.]

Hey, I'll take it...

[It still doesn't occur to him that, with Irahl's recent past, that roommate was very likely related to his being kidnapped, but maybe it'll hit him later. He makes... A very weak attempt to get up, craning his head and a little bit of his shoulders before giving up and lying back down.]

S'good thing, too. 'Cause I may just live here now.

[Referring to his place here, sideways on the end of the bed, possibly forever.]

[There's a huff under his breath at that comment, because not only is it ridiculous that Vincent is crashed there like that, it's also inconvenient.

Irahl doesn't tell him to leave, though. He carefully leans over to take a long drink of his ice water instead. You know one of those ice cubes ends up in his mouth. It feels great with how busted everything is. And he rearranges a little while it melts, lumping up his pillow behind him so he can carefully drag his legs up onto the bed (wow, one hip sure is sore), and sit back against the wall.

It's still uncomfortable and embarrassing to have Vincent hanging around this close to him, but it should be much, much worse than it is.]

Don't tell me I hit you that hard.

[And he really didn't mean to linger... Irahl seems to be doing better. The guy's even moving to get more comfortable, instead of the awful tension Vincent could practically feel radiating off of him just a few moments before. He can go back to his bunk now. They're both going to be okay.]

Listen, man, I dunno who kicked my ass harder... You or me...

[He makes another attempt to lift himself up, this time rolling onto his side again first. This does better. He's able to sort of lever himself up into a sitting position this time, though it makes his head pound again to do so.]

Though I gotta say... If we ever get space-raiders or whatever comin' in here, they are fucked.

[He'll... He'll stand up in a minute. Really.]

Edited 2023-12-07 01:40 (UTC)

[Each stupid joke puts one more step between them and the mess they're in the process of slowly walking away from. It's a framework that Irahl doesn't have to think very hard to build off of, and that is yet another relief in the wake of everything else. If he can just keep this up, maybe things will go back to normal.

He's able to rest his head back against the wall now and close his eyes. He still has music playing in one ear.]

They better show up soon. We're running out of people to beat up.

[He chuckles. Winces. Holds his side.]

Fuck... Stop making me laugh...

[Though he says it with half a grin on his face, so he probably doesn't mean this all that seriously. All things considered, hurting from laughing is a good problem to have. He makes his way back up to his feet, swearing that his sore muscles have only gotten worse since he's stopped having some other problem to distract him.

As he goes back towards his bed, waving vaguely behind himself in Irahl's direction.]

Lemme know if you want anything, aight?

[Just sort of a blanket statement to cover anything from wanting more ice water to wanting him to stay up and talk to for a while. Maybe Irahl won't ask for anything, that's fine too. The offer is made all the same.]

[There's a noncommittal murmur to Vincent's offer--which, the fact that there is any reply at all is a good sign. Those are the kind of comments that Irahl typically feels zero obligation to respond to, so he's at least making the effort to acknowledge Vincent, even if they both know he probably has no intention of actually taking him up on the offer.

Otherwise, he's good to disengage now. He's going to stay propped upright in his bunk-cave for now, as he needs some time to slowly unwind from his upset, but the rattling anxiety has been left behind.

The dust can finally be allowed to settle. And once it does, he'll finally tip over to let his busted body rest, and get some sleep.]

13th Cycle // Continued Thread

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