Paradisa // AU

[exanimatus]

The rooms are dark, the moon is full, and it feels like a night for bad decisions. That might just be because Zelman's figured out that drinking is a pastime that now has favorable results out here. Finally, something the damn Dead Zone does right.

So off he goes looking for trouble to keep his bad mood from spilling out onto the surface (though he can't really remember the last time he was in a good mood save for when she was still around, but that's complexities and stupid anyway). Rin is boring. Legato, however, is interesting, and that's why he seeks him out--eventually finding him hanging around the dimly-lit common room and taking a fairly even seat next to him. Sure, he's a little too close, but that's not his problem.

"I've been thinking."

Comments

[endthem]

And that decides it.

Something clicks, and he wanders to a stop. The mock sarcasm drops away, from both his face and his voice. He just lets it go as the pins click and the larger thought that he'd been fidgeting with finally unlocks.

"...Tell me. Do you know why my answer was no?"

[exanimatus]

He stops as well, but mostly because the question intrigues him. He's never bothered to wonder about it before. He's never felt compelled to look for the motivation before--he just figured there was some aspect of him (more than likely lodged in his past) that drives him to make that choice. People are all the same after a while, so guessing and lumping him in to those prior categories is really about the same as knowing, to him.

But now that he brings it up... "You think it matters?"

Which probably should not have been a question, but he adds anyway. "I don't."

[endthem]

"Because it's you."

Which implies that it might be different in some other case. It implies a lot of things.

"You were right, I did have to think about it-- but it was because I didn't have an answer before."

And now he does. He might wish with everything that it would be something different, hang onto some stupid hope and all of the ugly tempting things he can't quite let go of, but he's at least made the conscious decision--

"You turn my stomach."

[exanimatus]

Well, that? He's caught by surprise. For a second it's plain on his face, such a simple idea somehow not what he'd expected. There are reasons behind these things, and him being a reason all in of himself...

But then he laughs again, all fangs and knives and a little slip as he brushes hair away from his forehead again (Rin needs to stop taking his hat away like some bitter babysitter--it gets annoying). He shouldn't be laughing, knowing that he causes someone such disgust. But he wants it. It comes with the general feeling of wanting everyone to hate him.

"That's the best I could have asked for."

After all, being loved is helpful; being hated is far more exciting.

[endthem]

Well, at least being hated is a sure thing in this case, even if everything else seems perpetually and ferociously up in the air.

He manages to smile, finally. It's certainly without humor--still sickened from before--just a shell of an expression to catch the overflow of everything going on in his head.

"Is that what you came looking for?"

Maybe part of it at least, somewhere amongst all of Zelman's wandering motivations. He'd practically said as much earlier, anyway, so it seemed somewhere close to right.